Time is Funny

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It occurred to me just this morning upon waking that I have long passed the 3 month completion mark for the 'Season of Vegan' experiment I committed to on January 1. I guess it has become so much a part of my life that I just forgot it was ever an experiment. Time has a funny way of doing that you know.

And if you haven't noticed, I have done absolutely zero cooking in the last month, with the exception of a batch of pancakes I whipped up yesterday for Miss M... which I made in my sweatpants and high heels. High heels make everything better. This is my new mantra, which is actually an old mantra resurrected. If you don't believe me... try it.

"Why the absence?" I'm sure you're wondering, possibly along with "What the hell have you been eating then?"

To answer the latter; protein shakes, peanuts, and a whole lot of take out veggie sushi.

The answer to the first question, a little more complicated and involving massive life changes.

Now you must understand, change is certainly nothing new in my world. If I think back over the last 12 years of my life (which begins the start of my 20's) It's a little hard to not notice that fairly consistently, my world gets turned upside down biennially, beginning with the C-section birth of the lovely Miss M when I was not quite yet 21.

At 23, I bought a house in the country on a half acre of land (this was a lovely turn of events)

When I was 25, I married a man. However, I never really considered the fact that I might have to spend the remainder of my life with him, it just seemed like the next logical thing to do after buying a house. Smart, right?

Consequently at 27, we divorced and sold the house. Back to the city for me! This is also the age I discovered what makes my heart sing, although it would take me 6 more years to know what to do with it.

When I was 29 years old I broke my femur in half and was installed with a significant amount of titanium alloy.

At age 31, I was life flighted from the Niobrara River with a broken back. And then I laid on my back... for 3 months.

In order to stay true to biennial form, mix into all of that 6 moves to new homes.

And we've landed squarely in year 33. My current age and clearly the time for another life flip.
I'm exhausted already, but here it goes...

Almost one month ago, the only man I have ever truly considered spending the remainder of my days on this planet with, told me he didn't wish to share his life with me anymore. I'm sure you noticed me speaking of him on this blog. He was my Sweets. I was heart broken. And since The Earthfood Experiment and the Season of Vegan was something I started largely with him, it has been a challenge for me to re-immerse myself in it... as of yet.

I have since made some very exciting life decisions, but still spend my days flip flopping between the glowing brilliance of my new life to come, and the heartache of my lost love. I'm sure with each sunrise and sunset, I'll spend more and more time basking, and less time hurting. Time has a funny way of doing that you know.

In the meantime, I've been spending every spare second available to me dismantling the constructs of my reality. I have realized that the things I state as fact, are merely walls resurrected and supported by my belief systems (which, funny enough, are usually based on complete and utter untruths).

These systems that I've installed run my life without me even realizing it. Truthfully, I'm tired of acting and reacting on auto pilot. I desire a fully conscious and present life. So lately, whenever I find myself drawing a conclusion about something by stating a fact, I then dig down below it, identify the system which supports it, and swiftly demolish it.

More truth... it's not always so swift. Sometimes I will find it begins rebuilding itself and i'll have to run back down and kick it over again. But the gift here is that once you know something, you can't 'un-know' it, so it's only a matter of time before it changes.

I'm sure you might love a couple examples of my deconstructed belief systems, right? No problemo.

Here's two facts I have stated as true:

#1 I can do it myself. I don't need anyone. 
#2 I don't want children. (more children, that is) 

Whooey.... I love exposing myself. Vulnerable rocks!

Numero Uno:
Turns out I have felt alone for most of my life. My father left me when I was young, and although my mother loved me dearly she was not able to be there for me in the manner which I required. So in order to protect myself from being hurt and annihilated, my default was to conclude that I did not need anyone at all... all the while being madly in love with love.

Since the love of our parents, whether we want to admit it or not, is of supreme importance to us and we wish to prove to ourselves that they truly did/do love us, we oftentimes replicate our relationships with them. Because, if the people we care for do what our parents did, they MUST love us too. Right?

So what I have done, is to push away, push away, and push away some more. Which always results in the people I love withdrawing and/or leaving... which proves to me that they love me??  I'm silly. Smashing THAT one to bits.

Numero Dos:
As I stated above I had my baby very young. I was alone (go figure) and broke. Although she is the sparkle in my everyday, it has been nothing less than a struggle the entire time. So, I created this belief system that children equals hardship and sacrificing oneself... when secretly I've always desired to be able to share the experience of co- creating a beautiful little being with a man I adore. Who's to say I would have to create it as I did before? I can create my life however I choose!  Who says it isn't possible for me to have the man of my dreams, a gorgeous and brilliant child, all of myself, AND save the world at the same time? The whole belief that I can pick only a couple items from the menu of life is just idiocracy. DESTROYED.

The reason I share these things with you is because I know from experience how powerful it is to have a beacon in the fog. And if I can be a beacon for even one of you, then this is all worth it.

I will be completely honest in stating that seeing yourself clearly for the first time is not the most comfortable of experiences, but I promise that after the hard work is done it is SO freaking liberating. And after awhile, you'll forget that you ever once operated based on those false systems. Time has a funny way of doing that you know.

I have so much more to say, but I'll save it for another day so as not to inundate you.

I realize that you're probably here because you're interested in food and healthy living and what-not, but if it's okay with you I'd like to use this space for now to talk mainly about life stuff that I hope can empower both myself and you alike. Is that cool with you?

I really am so glad you're here. I will see you again very soon.


PS Here are some additional truths that I've realized lately

~ Oftentimes when I judge someone, I hold the same belief of myself.
~ Anytime I am trying to prove anything to anyone, I secretly believe the opposite of what I'm attempting to prove is true.

Something to think about

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  1. You put your thoughts into words so beautifully Miss Chandra. I must admit I "car read" this one while commuting to Omaha after I started my morning off backing the brand spanking new company car into my nanny's car in my own driveway. Busted the sideview mirror clean off. I wanted to cry, but I didn't ...just drove my butt back to the office & turned myself in. I wish I could say this was an unlikely accident, but 4 months ago I caused $3,000 worth of damage to my friend's car, again parked in my own driveway, after I side-swiped it backing out of the garage. Ugh. The point of this now long-winded story is that reading your blog just now inspired me to take my mood into my own hands & still try to make the best of the day that's just begun. A few months back I was in your same spot. While I still slightly resent the fact I was there in the first place, I thank my own heart-breaker for forcing me to see the light in my life & the results henceforth have been great :) Thanks for sharing your words with us. You are a gem! -M

    1. Thanks Love. You are so sweet... and funny! haha!! Don't feel bad. I'm kind of a crazy driver myself. And so you know, I thoroughly enjoy your long winded comments. Keep em' coming!

  2. I love this post, and you, so very much! Thank you. I have a lot of soul searching to do soon.

    1. You are so very welcome. Love you back!! I have lots of exciting empowering stuff coming up that I can't wait to share with you.

      Stay in touch sweetness.

  3. I am with you wherever this journey takes you...I find endless inspiration and peace when I read your posts. It's like a sunny afternoon in a cozy blanket with tea...Thank you for sharing your heart.

    1. Aaaahhh... you're so welcome. That is the most heart warming thing I've ever heard... I think I'm melting.
      I find that pain is not so painful anymore when you can use it for the good of all.

      I'm so glad to have you along for the ride, sweet being. Looking forward to getting to know you.

  4. Thanks for the lovely, thought provoking post. I look forward to this journey with you. And I too have alot of soul searching to do--thanks for the push!

    1. Sure thing, my love. I'm so lucky to know you and to have you in my life.

      Thank you for being such a huge supporter of me and my journey.

  5. This is a really beautiful post. I'm so sorry you are hurting but I'm so glad that you're able to make a loss into such a positive time of self reflection! It's very admirable :) I love reading posts that are really honest but also not negative! Can't wait for more recipes... and more life :)

    1. There will be much more for sure! I have tons of exciting things in the works that I can't wait to share with you all.
      Thank you for being here. It makes my heart happy!

  6. Thank you for sharing this journey; the twists and turns that life takes are often not comfortable or pretty- I admire your courage in letting us in. I don't believe that there is a truly universal 'normal'- most people reject being put into one of those little boxes(who knows who came up with them...). Love, ahh... I remember a time when I was "in love with Love" as well, it was nice to escape from the illusion. Love is realizing that you are strong enough, capable enough to do what you need to in life on your own- but you don't want to because it doesn't always mean as much without your Loved one(s). It's being interdependent AND independent at the same time- weird, but cool. Facing the fear of pain and loss- because they are the difference between truly living and merely 'surviving'. Your words are beautiful and inspiring; while you hope to assist and enlighten at least a few of us, remember that we are here to assist right back, if only you will allow us. :)

    1. Thank you for your kind words, sweet Sarah.

      I feel so lucky and blessed to be part of such an amazingly incredible support system and cyber community. Thank GOODNESS we all have each other. My heart smiles at your presence here.

      I look forward to growing, evolving, and learning with and from you.

  7. I found this post so powerful. You are completely right about time and about the misconceptions we choose to believe in. I also went back and read the story you linked and it is freakishly close to my own story.

    My grandfather recently passed away and it is both heartbreaking and liberating watching my grandma deal with being on her own after 40 years of being with him. It is both hard for her (obviously) but she is doing things she never would have done while he was here.

    I think this is kind of exactly what you are saying. Life and change is hard and painful but it is how we survive the change that really matters and makes it worth while.

    Thanks for sharing. Kx

    1. I'm so glad my words could touch you, sweetness.

      We live in an ever expanding universe... it is impossible for things to remain the same. When we move into allowance of this, our lives unfold with ease. It is the resistance to change that causes us much pain and suffering.

      That is incredible that your Grandma is experiencing new things! I can't imagine what it would be like to face life on your own after 40 years of sharing it with someone. She sounds like a very strong woman.

      I would love to hear your story, Katherine. Feel free to email me anytime, love.


Hiya! Love hearing from you... it's my fave.


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