Walls of Conclusion

I do my best to cozy down into a 'normal' life situation. Ya know, with love and cookies, and consistent bedtimes. Date nights and planning. Steady jobs with paychecks and insurance and stuff. Walking paths that have been well treaded. That's what we do here you know.

The walls of conclusion start small, building so slowly I hardly notice until one day I look up and I can't see over the top anymore. This freaks me out a little. But on paper it all looks so perfect, so I continue on.

Steady as she goes.

Cutting off every ounce of awareness to my internal knowing. Sinking ever further into unidentified despair until finally I forcefully shake free, forever changing the shaken. And find myself right back where I started once again. All heart achey and worn. Seriously wondering if I possess the strength to do this.  Feigning resistance to the lure provided by safety of the familiar, the payment for which is always backwards traveling.

This mission before me just won't seem to go away. Who signed me up for this evolutionary path anyways? Was it me? Why do I destroy everything in my life for the sake of it? Maybe that which I destroy is not actually real. Just appearing, oh so convincingly solid.

No matter how many times I turn it away, it returns in the night to knock on my door. I don't want to hear what it has to say but, out of the shear lateness of hour and weariness of my soul, I listen this time.

"Come with me Chandra", it says. "I know it's dark out and you're scared, but trust me. When the light of day dawns you will see clearly and understand. The sun will shine more brilliantly than you have ever known. And for your courage, you will be rewarded with great joys and treasures and loves."

The resignation to manipulate my trapezoid self into the square shape of normal is fading fast. It has been a long and exhausting road. I fall into the arms of this midnight caller and cry. Unidentifiable as either tears of sorrow or joy or relief. Makes no difference really. The gift I am given in this moment is an unequivocal understanding that this is my only option. And that everything will be different. But incredible.

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